25 Ways to Get Connected
Calling all couples! Sometimes relationships can get worn down by the daily cares of life, but here's how to recapture the spark that attracted the two of you in the first place. Bond like never before with these love moves.
Surprising Conversation
Calling all couples! Sometimes relationships can get worn down by the daily cares of life, but here's how to recapture the spark that attracted the two of you in the first place. Bond like never before with these love moves.
Surprising Conversation
StartersSo your husband would rather check email than chat? Spark a heart-to-heart tonight with one of these strategies. 1. Indulge his inner Superman.Every man secretly longs to play superhero and save the day. That's why one of the best ways to get him talking is to ask for his help in solving a problem, whether it's a work snafu or a friendship crisis, says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. Try: "Can you help me figure out what to do about X?" Even if you're not looking for a solution, make him feel important, and he'll be pumped to problem-solve.
2. Dream big together.It's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day minutiae of life and forget to talk about big things like your innermost dreams. (Remember those?) But it's super-bonding to talk and think about the future you're building together. "Dreams are really plans," says Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love. "Sharing them is a way of saying, 'I'm happy with us and want you right there with me every step of the way.'"
3. Really listen.Hey, it's only normal to zone out after "How was your day?" But focus and you'll catch a tidbit that opens into a convo. One easy trick that will help you stay totally tuned in at that critical moment: Repeat your husband's answer as a question. "Your trial got postponed again?" Saying his words aloud forces you to register their meaning, and lobbing a question back at him practically guarantees he'll elaborate.
4. Chat him up in the car.Ever notice how your most surprising conversations happen on the interstate? It's no accident — guys are most likely to free-associate when they're partly occupied (even if it's just killing time until they get into the range of a good radio station). There's a reason: "Men are more likely to open up when they don't have to make eye contact," says Love. "In the male world, eye contact is confrontational. Looking straight ahead makes him feel more comfortable." But save the soul chat for the open highway — no one wants to speculate about the afterworld when they're bumper-to-bumper in a holiday jam.
5. Drop a juicy tidbit.Here's a get-closer move you really wouldn't expect: Share a hot piece of gossip with him before you tell any of your girlfriends. While most men pretend not to care about other people's private lives, a recent study from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that guys actually eat gossip up more than we do. The reason: Your divulging the tidbit to him first can make your husband feel looped in (i.e., loved).
6. Play "What if?"Want to get to know him on a whole new level? Run a personality-revealing question by him. A few of our favorites: "If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you choose?" or "If you had to eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?" Who knows, you may even pick up an insider gift tip or fresh date-night idea. He'd be happy eating nothing but seafood? Go online and order that guy a clambake (to be devoured on beach towels on your living room floor).
7. Bring up five happy things for every problem.Sure, it's important to get problems out in the open. But the happiest couples dwell much more on what's right in their little world than what's wrong, according to Redbook Marriage Institute expert John Gottman, Ph.D. Gottman's research has found that the strongest couples actually make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. No need to keep a tally; just remember to keep the complaints to a minimum on a daily basis. And make a habit of hitting happy notes instead: Praise your guy's grill skills ... admire his abs ... let him know you're madly in love with your home, leaky roof and all.
Feel-Good MovesWhy get hands-on with your man? "Touching causes a physiological reaction — it gets oxytocin, the hormone that creates feelings of connection, flowing," says Tessina. Here's how to cram more contact into your day.8. Hitch a piggyback ride.No instructions needed — just sneak up from behind him, throw your arms around his neck and hop on. Snuggling tight and nuzzling the back of his neck seals the deal.
9. Overlap your morning shower.Agreed: Sharing a shower is not sexy (someone always ends up cold!). But tag-teaming it — meaning you don't get out until your guy gets in — is far sexier than you'd think. Share a quick kiss before hopping out or invent your own special "tag." Not in a big rush? Even better: Lounge around until your husband is out of his shower, then open your towel and warm him up.10. Flirt shamelessly ... with your husband.The next time you two are at a crowded party together, or even Costco one crazy Saturday afternoon, "accidentally" brush against him. Want to really feel a shared thrill? Whisper in his ear, "Oh, pardon me, sir," as if you've never met the guy. 11. Get warm and cozy the old-fashioned way.So the mercury plummeted while you were inside that restaurant or movie theater? Instead of hightailing it ahead of your husband to the car, tell him you're freezing, smother your face against his chest, and let his body heat get you warm. Then wrap your arms tightly around his back (so they're under his jacket or, better yet, his shirt). This move is sure to make you both feel cozy and comforted in the chill.12. Make TV time together a turn-on ...... by idly tending to a few unexpected erogenous zones on your guy's body. First, lightly trace delicate circles on each of his wrists. Next, let your touch wander to the tippity-top of each of his fingers.
Date-Night MakeoversDate nights are great — until they start to get a little too routine. Solution: Break out of the Saturday-night-at-8 box. "Trying anything new wakes up the brain," says Love. "It releases dopamine, which gets you both excited." Check out these tempting twists on your usual routine. 13. Act collegiate.Remember what it felt like to be a freshman or sophomore in college and dropped-off-the-planet in love? Get obsessed with each other all over again by re-creating some of your former favorite dates — huddle together under a stadium blanket at a college football game, work up a sweat dancing to a local bar band, split a carafe of house wine at a delicious dive. It'll get you and your man back into that heady state when you were dying to know every single detail about each other (not to mention every single inch of each other's bodies). 14. Plan a top-secret, super-confidential date.If you're like us, we bet one of you is always picking the movie or calling to make the dinner reservations. So bust out of the rut: Every Friday or Saturday for the next month or two, trade off surprising each other with hush-hush romantic outings. Don't leak a single detail ahead of time — he'll never see the karaoke duet coming. Shocking each other — in a good way — lets you explore new and exciting sides of yourself and each other. Oh, and there's a bonus in it for you: "Most men thrive on competition, so your husband will probably go all out for it," says Love.
15. Go on a date in broad daylight.Quick — when was the last time you and your husband browsed through an art museum, faced off in golf or tennis or even grabbed lunch at a mall food court without kids in tow? Exactly. "Once you have kids, going out alone as a couple in the middle of the day seems naughty. And being naughty together is bonding," says Love. 16. Get all dressed up — for each other.We're begging you, don't wait for a wedding (someone else's big day) to get all done up. Look in your local paper for big nights out on the town: an art gallery opening, a local theater production or a hospital charity benefit. Or make your own special night by being the best-dressed pair at that new four-star restaurant you've been meaning to try together. When you and he have lots of time to prep for your big outing, anticipation builds. Later in the evening, staring at the best versions of yourselves inspires expectation, connection ... not to mention hot sex.17. Make staying in sexy.The babysitter cancelled ... or, oops, you forgot to even book her. No need to write off romance until next Friday or Saturday night. Instead, break out your wedding china and that fabulous flatware and have Chinese takeout à deux while the kids are in the other room in a SpongeBob stupor. You and your guy have home court advantage — in other words, you're surrounded by props (meaningful photographs, vacation mementos, even wedding presents) that celebrate your one-of-a-kind bond. Another thing: "You're being spontaneous and finding a way to treat yourselves, no matter what," says Love. Bon appétit — you two know how to make your own fun.
Connect — with KidsWho says you have to wait until the kids are sacked out to have a real moment with your man? Recognizing and reveling in your familyhood — from attacking a massive jigsaw puzzle as a team to showing up hand in hand to your child's elementary school Thanksgiving play — can pull you and your guy even closer. Here are a few sweet strategies to work into your routine. 18. Declare a group hug.Next time you see your husband holding your little one, spontaneously wrap your arms around both of them, snuggle in as close as possible, and announce, "group hug." Or, call a snuggle session — everyone in your gang throws their pillows and blankets on the floor and cozies up to watch your favorite family TV show. "In a primal way, this move says, 'We are a pack,'" explains Tessina.19. Inflict your own interests on the kiddies.Several studies have found that couples who have at least a couple of interests and hobbies in common have the strongest marriages. Multiply the benefits by introducing your child to a shared passion — from Italian opera to cross-country skiing. And while you're at it, let the little guy (or girl) introduce you two to a few things on his current hot list. Learning how to skateboard together: Priceless. 20. Share your parental pride.When you spy your little one doing something only you two would find profound — "He's putting the rubber ducky on his head!" — flash your husband that look. You know, the one that says, "I can't believe we created such an amazing, perfect creature." Just try not to feel goosebumps.
Start a Simple RitualMaybe your husband brings you coffee every morning, or you two always say "I love you" before drifting off to sleep. You know your little habit feels nice, but did you realize it's actually a magnetic force keeping you two close? "Rituals help you celebrate what you have together," says Tina Tessina. "When you repeat them, you pop into that just-the-two-of-us mind-set." The best kinds are ones that have meaning to only you and him. For inspiration, though, check out what these creative couples do. 21. "My husband and I both take the train to work in New York City, but at different times. On Friday, we make a point of commuting home together. It's like a mini date — we share a beer and connect with each other before going home to our toddler."—Liza, 32, Darien, CT22. "Every Sunday morning, we attack the crossword puzzle together. Will's in charge of writing our answers in, because he's got neater handwriting."—Stella, 36, Boston 23. "Right after I call our nanny every day at lunchtime to check in, I call my husband. I like that it lets me update him on the kids, and we get to say to each other, 'Hey, how's your day going?'"—Jennifer, 29, Glendale, CA 24. "We're really into furnishing our new house and making it feel like a real home. So on Saturday mornings, we make a point of browsing neighborhood tag sales and discovering treasures together."—Sara, 30, White Plains, NY 25. "I persuade him to watch The Bachelorette every week — and we rejoice that we're not out there dating."—Jill, 35, Atlanta Start a Simple RitualMaybe your husband brings you coffee every morning, or you two always say "I love you" before drifting off to sleep. You know your little habit feels nice, but did you realize it's actually a magnetic force keeping you two close? "Rituals help you celebrate what you have together," says Tina Tessina. "When you repeat them, you pop into that just-the-two-of-us mind-set." The best kinds are ones that have meaning to only you and him. For inspiration, though, check out what these creative couples do. 21. "My husband and I both take the train to work in New York City, but at different times. On Friday, we make a point of commuting home together. It's like a mini date — we share a beer and connect with each other before going home to our toddler."—Liza, 32, Darien, CT22. "Every Sunday morning, we attack the crossword puzzle together. Will's in charge of writing our answers in, because he's got neater handwriting."—Stella, 36, Boston 23. "Right after I call our nanny every day at lunchtime to check in, I call my husband. I like that it lets me update him on the kids, and we get to say to each other, 'Hey, how's your day going?'"—Jennifer, 29, Glendale, CA 24. "We're really into furnishing our new house and making it feel like a real home. So on Saturday mornings, we make a point of browsing neighborhood tag sales and discovering treasures together."—Sara, 30, White Plains, NY 25. "I persuade him to watch The Bachelorette every week — and we rejoice that we're not out there dating."—Jill, 35, Atlanta
Feel-Good MovesWhy get hands-on with your man? "Touching causes a physiological reaction — it gets oxytocin, the hormone that creates feelings of connection, flowing," says Tessina. Here's how to cram more contact into your day.8. Hitch a piggyback ride.No instructions needed — just sneak up from behind him, throw your arms around his neck and hop on. Snuggling tight and nuzzling the back of his neck seals the deal.
9. Overlap your morning shower.Agreed: Sharing a shower is not sexy (someone always ends up cold!). But tag-teaming it — meaning you don't get out until your guy gets in — is far sexier than you'd think. Share a quick kiss before hopping out or invent your own special "tag." Not in a big rush? Even better: Lounge around until your husband is out of his shower, then open your towel and warm him up.10. Flirt shamelessly ... with your husband.The next time you two are at a crowded party together, or even Costco one crazy Saturday afternoon, "accidentally" brush against him. Want to really feel a shared thrill? Whisper in his ear, "Oh, pardon me, sir," as if you've never met the guy. 11. Get warm and cozy the old-fashioned way.So the mercury plummeted while you were inside that restaurant or movie theater? Instead of hightailing it ahead of your husband to the car, tell him you're freezing, smother your face against his chest, and let his body heat get you warm. Then wrap your arms tightly around his back (so they're under his jacket or, better yet, his shirt). This move is sure to make you both feel cozy and comforted in the chill.12. Make TV time together a turn-on ...... by idly tending to a few unexpected erogenous zones on your guy's body. First, lightly trace delicate circles on each of his wrists. Next, let your touch wander to the tippity-top of each of his fingers.
Date-Night MakeoversDate nights are great — until they start to get a little too routine. Solution: Break out of the Saturday-night-at-8 box. "Trying anything new wakes up the brain," says Love. "It releases dopamine, which gets you both excited." Check out these tempting twists on your usual routine. 13. Act collegiate.Remember what it felt like to be a freshman or sophomore in college and dropped-off-the-planet in love? Get obsessed with each other all over again by re-creating some of your former favorite dates — huddle together under a stadium blanket at a college football game, work up a sweat dancing to a local bar band, split a carafe of house wine at a delicious dive. It'll get you and your man back into that heady state when you were dying to know every single detail about each other (not to mention every single inch of each other's bodies). 14. Plan a top-secret, super-confidential date.If you're like us, we bet one of you is always picking the movie or calling to make the dinner reservations. So bust out of the rut: Every Friday or Saturday for the next month or two, trade off surprising each other with hush-hush romantic outings. Don't leak a single detail ahead of time — he'll never see the karaoke duet coming. Shocking each other — in a good way — lets you explore new and exciting sides of yourself and each other. Oh, and there's a bonus in it for you: "Most men thrive on competition, so your husband will probably go all out for it," says Love.
15. Go on a date in broad daylight.Quick — when was the last time you and your husband browsed through an art museum, faced off in golf or tennis or even grabbed lunch at a mall food court without kids in tow? Exactly. "Once you have kids, going out alone as a couple in the middle of the day seems naughty. And being naughty together is bonding," says Love. 16. Get all dressed up — for each other.We're begging you, don't wait for a wedding (someone else's big day) to get all done up. Look in your local paper for big nights out on the town: an art gallery opening, a local theater production or a hospital charity benefit. Or make your own special night by being the best-dressed pair at that new four-star restaurant you've been meaning to try together. When you and he have lots of time to prep for your big outing, anticipation builds. Later in the evening, staring at the best versions of yourselves inspires expectation, connection ... not to mention hot sex.17. Make staying in sexy.The babysitter cancelled ... or, oops, you forgot to even book her. No need to write off romance until next Friday or Saturday night. Instead, break out your wedding china and that fabulous flatware and have Chinese takeout à deux while the kids are in the other room in a SpongeBob stupor. You and your guy have home court advantage — in other words, you're surrounded by props (meaningful photographs, vacation mementos, even wedding presents) that celebrate your one-of-a-kind bond. Another thing: "You're being spontaneous and finding a way to treat yourselves, no matter what," says Love. Bon appétit — you two know how to make your own fun.
Connect — with KidsWho says you have to wait until the kids are sacked out to have a real moment with your man? Recognizing and reveling in your familyhood — from attacking a massive jigsaw puzzle as a team to showing up hand in hand to your child's elementary school Thanksgiving play — can pull you and your guy even closer. Here are a few sweet strategies to work into your routine. 18. Declare a group hug.Next time you see your husband holding your little one, spontaneously wrap your arms around both of them, snuggle in as close as possible, and announce, "group hug." Or, call a snuggle session — everyone in your gang throws their pillows and blankets on the floor and cozies up to watch your favorite family TV show. "In a primal way, this move says, 'We are a pack,'" explains Tessina.19. Inflict your own interests on the kiddies.Several studies have found that couples who have at least a couple of interests and hobbies in common have the strongest marriages. Multiply the benefits by introducing your child to a shared passion — from Italian opera to cross-country skiing. And while you're at it, let the little guy (or girl) introduce you two to a few things on his current hot list. Learning how to skateboard together: Priceless. 20. Share your parental pride.When you spy your little one doing something only you two would find profound — "He's putting the rubber ducky on his head!" — flash your husband that look. You know, the one that says, "I can't believe we created such an amazing, perfect creature." Just try not to feel goosebumps.
Start a Simple RitualMaybe your husband brings you coffee every morning, or you two always say "I love you" before drifting off to sleep. You know your little habit feels nice, but did you realize it's actually a magnetic force keeping you two close? "Rituals help you celebrate what you have together," says Tina Tessina. "When you repeat them, you pop into that just-the-two-of-us mind-set." The best kinds are ones that have meaning to only you and him. For inspiration, though, check out what these creative couples do. 21. "My husband and I both take the train to work in New York City, but at different times. On Friday, we make a point of commuting home together. It's like a mini date — we share a beer and connect with each other before going home to our toddler."—Liza, 32, Darien, CT22. "Every Sunday morning, we attack the crossword puzzle together. Will's in charge of writing our answers in, because he's got neater handwriting."—Stella, 36, Boston 23. "Right after I call our nanny every day at lunchtime to check in, I call my husband. I like that it lets me update him on the kids, and we get to say to each other, 'Hey, how's your day going?'"—Jennifer, 29, Glendale, CA 24. "We're really into furnishing our new house and making it feel like a real home. So on Saturday mornings, we make a point of browsing neighborhood tag sales and discovering treasures together."—Sara, 30, White Plains, NY 25. "I persuade him to watch The Bachelorette every week — and we rejoice that we're not out there dating."—Jill, 35, Atlanta Start a Simple RitualMaybe your husband brings you coffee every morning, or you two always say "I love you" before drifting off to sleep. You know your little habit feels nice, but did you realize it's actually a magnetic force keeping you two close? "Rituals help you celebrate what you have together," says Tina Tessina. "When you repeat them, you pop into that just-the-two-of-us mind-set." The best kinds are ones that have meaning to only you and him. For inspiration, though, check out what these creative couples do. 21. "My husband and I both take the train to work in New York City, but at different times. On Friday, we make a point of commuting home together. It's like a mini date — we share a beer and connect with each other before going home to our toddler."—Liza, 32, Darien, CT22. "Every Sunday morning, we attack the crossword puzzle together. Will's in charge of writing our answers in, because he's got neater handwriting."—Stella, 36, Boston 23. "Right after I call our nanny every day at lunchtime to check in, I call my husband. I like that it lets me update him on the kids, and we get to say to each other, 'Hey, how's your day going?'"—Jennifer, 29, Glendale, CA 24. "We're really into furnishing our new house and making it feel like a real home. So on Saturday mornings, we make a point of browsing neighborhood tag sales and discovering treasures together."—Sara, 30, White Plains, NY 25. "I persuade him to watch The Bachelorette every week — and we rejoice that we're not out there dating."—Jill, 35, Atlanta
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